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Have I been working my ass off lately? Yes.
Have I been hobbling my ass off lately? Yes.
But, for the first time ever I can honestly say I would not trade my life for anything and I find this to be the most freeing feeling in the world. I never fully realized how much shit I was clinging on to and just how toxic it was for my soul until I felt it lift away.
Don't get me wrong. This wasn't an overnight thing. Those who know me well can vouch for it in all the times I've vented, cried on their shoulders, and apologized for my just-let-me-be-a-hermit-and-bury-my-head-until-further-notice phases. It's been years, a handful of therapists, this painful shit moving in on me, and finally, an amazing mindfulness retreat that seemed to click the cog into place ...flicking the switch on the light some of you out there were so desperate to help me turn on. After so many years of tiptoeing shyly up to the edge, peaking over, and readying myself to chuck over the bullshit, I feel, at least for now, that I've done it. I've let go. Do I realize that it might cling to the side, climb up, and lunge back onto my shoulders when I'm not looking? Of course. It's possible. It's some feisty bullshit and we've been friends for quite some time. But, I think I'm okay with that. And, I think being okay with it might help it stay down in the abyss and hang out with the other bullshits people have tossed away.
Why am I okay with it? Acceptance. It's one of the first things I started working on with the therapist I started seeing in the beginning of the year. Accept that some mornings I wake up with fury and rage causing me to whip cosmetics around the bathroom, or stomp my feet shouting, "I HATE my CLOTHES!" Accept that life isn't fair. Accept that people will be mean. Accept that I can, in regards to myself, be one of the very meanest of people. That act alone...when I really got the hang of it? I had already begun feeling the sense of freedom. It meant I didn't have to make excuses. "Hey, you are just bitchy today. Whatevs." It meant I didn't have to obsess with why someone was unkind, or why I'm stuck in the pattern we all hate that makes us have to stop at every. Damn. Traffic light. These situations simply were and I could accept them, or not. Accepting them at first made me feel like I was giving in. Then I realized, not accepting them, was really just a form of self-torture...the opposite of what I wanted in life. I accept the fact that depression may show itself again. But with each bout, I get stronger and shake my fist all the more at its scowl-y, ugly face.
This painful shit. The very reason this blog exists. I've expressed how much it sucks in a myriad of ways. I'm currently on the upswing of accepting it though (again, knowing it could go down hill just the same.) I think I've touched on it before that it's made me finally appreciate my body. Y'all...in case you haven't noticed? My hips and booty be banging! Is my belly bigger than I want it to be? Meh. My arms aren't as toned as I'd like. But you know what? They are mine. There are many just like them but these german babies are mine, gnarly heart tattoo and all. And my body does what it can, when it can. At least I have that. And, so do you. Be nice to you. Don't wait for some shitty illness that sounds like dog worms to remember just how beautiful your body really is and everything it does for you, despite how badly you pick on it or soak it with bourbon.
The mindfulness retreat. An introverts dream! An entire weekend of meditation (some guided, some not), nature, complete silence, zero eye contact, but complete sense of compassion and community. I learned pretty quickly that I didn't have to know a person's name to allow them space as we passed in the hallways, or, to eat at a table where we all practice chewing very, very slowly (look up "mindful eating.") I didn't have to know what they "did for a living" to be present in the same room with them breathing deeply and opening my heart to life while they too worked through their own inner bullshit. I could go on and on about this weekend because, really, I had a very, very powerful spiritual experience and believe that to be the final straw for me to ball up my bullshit and throw it with all my might into oblivion.
With all the above said, if it weren't for my friends and family, I'd still be in the dark somewhere letting my life flitter away. I hope I convey to each of you the profound love and appreciation I have for your patience, kindness, and, most importantly, steadfast, unconditional love. Truly. You are my rock. You are on the sidelines rooting even during the times I'm pushing you away shouting, "Fuck this game!" and stomping off the field. You are downing shots with me on my bad days, telling me terrible jokes to give me a cheap smile, making me amazing mixes full of beautiful music, letting me whine on the really painful days ...I don't know what I did in a past life to be surrounded by some of the best souls to walk this earth, but dammit I'm glad I did it.
I love you. Hug yourself.
"On my last night on earth,
I won't look to the sky,
Just breathe in the air,
And blink in the light.
On my last night on earth,
I'll pay a high price,
To have no regrets, and be done with my life..."
Noah And The Whale - "L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N."
That retreat sounds awesome. I've had similar experiences with Western medicine (speaking to your previous post). I feel like those types of doctors are only good for making sure you don't have something obviously very wrong. Beyond that, you have to take it upon yourself to do what's right for your body. To listen to your body. Because Western doctors certainly don't have the tools to do so. That was the best advice I came across when I was going through medical crap - to trust yourself and love yourself. No matter what doctors say. Thanks for sharing your story and yourself on this blog here. =) =)
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